Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Letters Continued...


Dear Mike,
I am not sure if I am dealing with your loss the way I should. I have come to Jesus and in this I find joy but there are times the pain tugs at my heart. I don't know if it is because I began mourning while you were sick; I mourned the loss of some aspects of our relationship before you ever left. SEE, right there, I said "before you left". Like you just left me and did not really die. Like you might come back... I think somehow I am waiting patiently for you to walk back into my life. I just miss you! I depended on you always being here and now you are not. Come Back to me, PLEASE! I lay down alone, the bed is big and cold, you are supposed to be holding me. Lay like we used to, my leg draped over you, my arm around you...I caressed your face to memorize it, I can still trace your cheekbones (I loved them) and your perfect lips. Your collarbone, your muscles, your chest...I just want to touch you once more. I will never forget how cold you were, but I could not stop touching you, and our final kiss I will never forget. I want one more kiss but then I would want another and another... Tomorrow is 3 months, too long to be apart from some one you spent every second with... I want to hold you, smell you, I can't...So I will just cry... 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Another Letter...

These are letters that I wrote to Mike in the months following his death (06/14/10)...


I was conflicted and confused. Hurt and scared. I was talking with a friend and telling her how I was struggling trying to understand your death.
She explained to me that she has been led to believe that God puts us all here for a divine purpose. When that purpose has been fulfilled, it is then that God calls us back home.
I could find some measure of comfort in that belief, because I know God put you in my life for a reason.
I became a woman through your gentle encouragement and guidance. You taught me I was worth something in this world. You made me feel beautiful and confident. You taught me to respect myself.
You helped me through the loss of my father, when I felt so lost.
You taught me to be selfless, which helped me when you got sick. I was consumed with you health and comfort. I was able to return the unconditional love you poured out so selflessly on me.
My life is so much more beautiful because it was blessed by your presence.
Through your death and the following pain I came to Christ, I could not handle it alone. Today I was baptized with my church by full submersion in a lake. I knew you and Daddy were with me, I could feel you.         
You both walk with me now as my angels. Your love will always be with me. I thanked God for both of you today. My life is better and I am a better person because of both of you.
I love you both and I miss you terribly...

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Grief support group

Sept. 2010~

Psalm 38:17 For I am about to fall and my pain is ever with me...

First day of my grief support group:

-Describe your pain:
My pain is real. I found the love of my lifetime in Mike. He had a beautiful soul. I miss him and I want him back! It hurts! I miss our talks, our walks, and even our quiet times when we were just being close.

-At what times does your pain feel the deepest? :
Late at night (bedtime) and first thing in the morning. I lay down in bed with Mike and held his hand which was very cold and I knew then we did not have much time. When I woke in the morning his breathing was shallow, he was gone a few minutes later. I sat with him and cried. I knew it was for the best. I had told him to let go but I lied, I did not want Mike to leave. I wanted him to stay and share his love, his company, his voice, his hands...I wanted TIME!!! I felt cheated!

-Who have you shared your emotions with? :
I have shared my emotions with close friends and counselors but I cannot tell each person all I feel, so they only get pieces of me. Only God Knows all that I keep secret and I whisper into the darkness at night when no one else is around.

I used the Grief Group for a short while but I was so young (36) and they were all so much older that I could not relate. I am not being mean in saying this, but they were going to be reunited with their loves soon...I have such a long time to wait until I can see him again...

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Letters cont.

These are letters that I wrote to Mike in the months following his death (06/14/10)...


Dear Mike,

I am sorry for my depression. I know these feelings would let you down and I don't want to hurt you. Our relationship was a blessing in my life. You grew me like a garden; you tended to me, pulled up the weeds, and made me beautiful. You were the gardener of my soul. I became a beautiful woman in your care. I came to you as a confused child and you changed me for the better. You knew my hurt and my pains; you saw my scars inside and out. None of that scared you away; you stayed with me through thick and thin.
Because of that, I was able to be there when you needed me the most. That was my blessing. To be able to care for you and support you in your time of pain and need. I held your hand and helped you through. You are the love of my life. We transcended all levels of love and intimacy I never knew existed. You always said God sent me to you, that I was your angel. Today I can believe that. I'm sad and angry but it comes and goes.
I really wanted to die without you, to be with you again. But I know you would want me to go on and I will try to fight the battle for you because I love you and I know you would want me to live.

Grief poem

God Saw You... 
by Author Unknown
God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not to be
so he put his arms around you
and whispered,
"Come to Me"

With tearful eyes we watched you
and saw you pass away
and although we love you dearly
we could not make you stay.

A Golden heart stopped beating
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best

~I am happy I was there that second you found peace. I didn't want you to go but I knew you couldn't stay. We were one, now you are gone, half of me is missing. I am so lonely without you, My love, and my friend.


These are letters that I wrote to Mike in the months following his death (06/14/10)...

Dear Mike,
Life is so hard without you. I talk to you every day, just as if you are here. I miss my best friend. I get down and I just wish you were here to hug me and make me feel that everything will be all right. When I wake up, I reach for you and you're not there, all I feel is emptiness. I'll spend the rest of my days in love with you. I miss you so much.
Love always and forever,
Your wife,

Personal Grief

These are letters that I wrote to Mike in the months following his death (06/14/10)...

Dear Mike,
I miss you every day. My heart is broken. I miss our long talks and our long walks. I miss your amazing blue eyes and how they looked at me full of love. I miss your hugs and your strong hands. You'll always be in my heart. I'm learning to live again, day by day. I wish you were by my side. Until we meet again my love for you will never end.
Love always and forever,
Your wife...

Dear Mike,
I miss my best friend. I thought of you yesterday, I'm thinking of you today, and I'll think of you tomorrow. I miss you...My love.
An excerpt from my previously released "OUR LOVE STORY"

In October of 2009 my fiancĂ© Mike was diagnosed with stage-four stomach cancer that had spread to his liver. At that very moment, sitting in that little room in the doctor’s office, we just looked at each other kind of bewildered. How do you possibly take this news? I felt like a horse had just kicked me in the stomach and I could not breathe. Mike just looked at me and I tried my best not to cry. He was so strong. We left that horrid place, which I now hated as if it was the offices fault that he had cancer and drove home. He was all business, “It will be okay, we will get through this. I guess we have got to tell the kids.” I just drove and stared straight ahead and repeated over and over in my head, “Please God this cannot be happening.” Mike told the kids without even a crack in his voice. He knew he was in a battle for his life and he was so determined he was going to win. And that is when his lesson began. Mike, by just being himself, was teaching me a lesson of strength, hope, and determination even if I did not realize it yet.
      First calling family to share the news and then came the questions, “what now, what’s next, what are we going to do?” Off to the biggest cancer center in up-state New York for treatment. I stood in amazement as I watch a family spring into action, a testimony to what love truly is and another lesson. They rallied around Mike like a sports team rallies around their champion. I saw what a family really was; if there were differences they were not evident. They loved Mike more than that; they came together as a family unit. He stayed in that hospital while they did their tests and chose his chemo “cocktail”. While he was there, we worked together to disinfect the house so he could come home to a sterile environment. Soon he was released and they were able to transfer his treatment to a local cancer office to make it easier on us.
     Our journey had begun. Christmas came and Mike asked if we should decorate, I just wasn’t feeling much in the holiday spirit. So one day when I went grocery shopping, Mike put up the Christmas tree, lights, and decorations. I walked into quite a sight, he had duct taped the lights all the way around the living room. I just sat down and laughed with tears in my eyes, I was mad that he decorated; I was worried that he had tired himself out. But how could anyone possibly be mad when sitting in a room with Christmas lights duct taped to the walls. I loved him so much at that moment, he could always put a smile on my face, and now I refer to it as our “duct-tape Christmas”.
     Mike responded well to the treatments, he only lost his hair for a short while then it started to grow back which even surprised the doctors. His liver started to clear up, the tumors were disappearing, he was responding well to the chemo. On a sad note, we had to have the family dog, Sapphire put down which was very heartbreaking and strange, she seemed to have gotten sick right around the time Mike did. Just shows you how connected animals are to their owners. In January we went ice fishing with his son and daughter, we had a great day. It was times like this that you could almost forget that he was sick, he never acted sick. He was so strong and he had all the determination in the world, he would not let cancer win or steal away his zest for life, another lesson he taught me. 
     The next few months went on like this. We still took our walks, holding hands and talking about anything and everything. Mike still cut wood and mowed the lawn. We still went to lake Ontario and took the boat out salmon fishing. He had told me that the chemo knocked him down for a few days but when it wore off he felt so alive and just wanted to live like a normal person. But I knew the truth; Mike was no normal human, he was an angel that graced the lives of everyone who knew him. He taught me so much, he helped me grow, he taught me the true meaning of strength and hope, and he taught me what unconditional love really was. Less than a month before he passed away we went to an Alan Jackson concert and I can tell you that was the most special night in my life, we had so much fun, enjoying each other, singing, laughing and being in love.
     Then the inevitable, Mike’s blood count was no longer good enough to receive chemo. He started to get sick again. It all was happening so fast. On Sunday night June 6th, he suggested we go apply for our marriage certificate and I said okay with happiness and nervousness all mixing together. I know we wanted to get married more than anything in the world, but it was the urgency in which he said it that made me nervous, like he knew something bad was about to happen. I guess he knew. Monday June 7th we applied for our marriage license. Tuesday morning he started throwing up blood so I ran him to the emergency room. They admitted him and started to work on him trying anything they could to stop the bleeding. His main cancer doctor came and got him released and sent him for radiation. Wednesday we had another radiation appointment which he handled well until we were on our way home, Mike started getting sick again. I rushed him to the doctor’s office, which was closer than the hospital, crying uncontrollably saying “No God, Please don’t take him...Please God.” They started to give him some medicine in the office while they called the ambulance. The girls in the office had become like family to us and they were also crying. So back to the hospital where they once again admitted him. His family came immediately. Thursday Mikes brother and I went around getting everything ready for us to get married; he also knew what it meant to Mike and me that we get married. Everything was in order by Friday morning June 11, 2010.
     It took a lot to orchestrate the day but a lot of people worked together and our dream came true. The hospital agreed to release Mike so he could be at home. The ambulance drivers agreed to take us to the cancer office where we were meeting the judge who was coming from the next town to wed us. When we pulled up to the cancer office, all the staff came out to witness our vows and they handed me a bouquet they had made for me. With Mike’s brother and his wife, the nurses and doctors all bearing witness, Mike and I were married. I will forever keep all of these people in my prayers because they were so instrumental in making our dream come true. It was better than any story I have ever read, it was my fairytale wedding to the man I loved more than anything in this world.
     Saturday was a good day. All of Mike’s family and childhood friends had come to be with him, he was aware, laughing, and chatting. Then that night he became extremely ill, we called Hospice and the on-call nurse came as fast as he could. He was the most caring man, he was gentle with Mike, and he spoke to all of us with such compassion. He said the time was growing close and the best we could do was try to keep Mike comfortable. Sunday was a somber day but Mike in all his strength was still trying to fight teaching me another lesson. Fight until the end and never give up. That is when my sister-in-law, who had lost a fiancĂ©, told me it was time to tell him it was okay to leave. She said he was holding on for the kids and me, and I had to tell him we would be all right, that it was okay to go now. And I did as she said. I told him his father and his dog, Sapphire, were waiting in the boat to go fishing with him when he got to Heaven. I held him close and whispered in his ear that we would all be okay, that he was the best husband and I loved him more than life itself, and that he could let go now. That night I lay down in bed with him and held his hand as we slept. And on Monday morning June 14, 2010 as I awoke Mike took his last breath. God took him home and all of our lives were forever changed.


The year got off to a good start. I forgot to say Mike loved to fish and those were some of the best times with him. He owned a Bay-liner and he had me paint my name on the side. He said he would be proud to have my name on his boat. I just smiled and did as he said; I wish I had a picture of our boat. Any way, we would go out on Lake Ontario, it was so peaceful, and we would just hang out with each other. One day I saw a monarch butterfly flying over us, I said, "That is so beautiful, what is it doing flying here, there is no land." Mike said they were migrating from Canada; they did it every year. It was so magical.

We got into a rhythm. I would get up with him every morning when he got ready for work. I would make him coffee, get his clothes ready, and talk with him until it was time to go. I would hand him his coffee mug and kiss him good-bye. Then I would hang out with Sapphire, Mikes' dog. She kept me company while I cleaned the house and when I went to the post office she would take the ride. Sapphire was a very special dog; Mike loved her so much.

In March of 2009, my Daddy got very sick and ended up in the hospital. I visited him every day while Mike was at work. I remember the day the doctor told me Daddy had cancer, I just stared at him and went into the room and spent time with my father. Mike came with me the day Daddy was going home. I was leaning over the side of the bed and Daddy asked if he could touch my hair. I said of course and he held the back of my head the way he did when I was a little girl. Mike said that was his way of saying good-bye. On March 24th 2009 my Daddy went to be with God.

Without Mike by my side to help me, I do not think I could have survived the pain I felt. Mike just held me and told me he would be there to take care of me. I loved him so much and I knew he meant every word he ever said to me. Mike helped me through the wake, the funeral, and held me through my tears.

At the beginning of the summer Mikes' youngest daughter moved in with us and his son and his sons' friend also lived with us. We were enjoying our family life. Mike wanted to marry me but we did not have the money or the time, so we went and bought wedding rings to wear to symbolize how much we loved each other... 

The beginning of our life together

In January of 2008, Mike asked me to move in with him and his son Michael and his friends helped. Our life together had begun. It was a beautiful life. We slept a lot because we both worked crazy hours. But the times we shared were amazing. We walked, talked more than anyone I know, and made a home for each other. I had a breast cancer scare in May when I found a lump in my breast. Mike was so scared because I had already had cancer in 2005. He was by my side every   step of the way and thank God it was benign. I could see how much he loved me and it always took my breath away. We were both completing our divorces, money was tight, and a slew of other crazy things were happening but we were so happy together. Mike got a great birthday present; both of our divorces came through at the same time. We were both finally divorced, it was so freeing.

For Thanksgiving, the whole family went to stay at his brother Lees' cabin. It was such a nice family moment. His youngest daughter got to come with us and that made Mike so happy. He loved his baby-girl so much.

I cannot say the year was not uneventful but it was the happiest year of my life. As long as I had Mike at my side, I knew everything was going to be okay.

The meeting

One of the two jobs I was working was as a cashier in a grocery store. I was finishing up a shift when I turned around and saw my manager and friend talking to the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on. I had to meet him. I walked over and we all started talking, then the manager had to leave to attend to business so it was just this handsome creature and me. I could not believe my eyes. We walked out together and proceeded to sit in his car and talk for three more hours. We said good night and left it at that. This is the first time I had met Mike and little did I know at that moment but my life was never going to be the same.

The next day, as I was again finishing up my shift, I saw him on the checkout line. I walked over and asked if he would like to get a cup of coffee or something. He said yes! We sat in the diner for hours and when he brought me back to my car, we chatted for a few more hours. I left with a permanent smile on my face. And so our days proceeded, meeting every day, and talking until the need for some sleep separated us. 

It was the end of 2007 and the beginning of the most enchanted time I ever had in my life...

The prelude to meeting the man that changed my life

I was with a man that I had married in 2005, it was not going well. We got married because we were drinking buddies, not really because we were in love. I was getting more and more depressed each day, until I decided in April 2007 it was time to take my own life. The drugs, drinking, and an empty marriage had brought me to my end. I was tired; tired of getting up each day, tired of people, and tired of living. On the last day of April they put me in a mental health ward on suicide watch. May 1st 2007 is my sobriety date. I knew if I did not quit my self-destructive behavior, I would not live much longer. When I got out of the hospital, I devoted myself to A.A. and staying sober. My husband at the time could not support me in my new life. In August of 2007 he walked out on me, he could not handle losing his drinking buddy because it really was the only thing we had in common. He filed for a divorce.
I took on two jobs to try to support myself and since I did not have the time to travel home between jobs; I would just sleep in my car until my next shift. It went this way for a while...

Tuesday, February 19, 2013


I am writing this blog because on June 14th 2010 I lost the love of my life. I have been writing through my grief and I felt if I shared my thoughts with the world; maybe I could help others who may be suffering through the grief of a tragic loss. I have found so many sites on-line that give people advice on how to get over it, that is not what I want to do; I just want to let people know they are not alone. I am here to help ease the pain as we go through it and let people know they are not crazy if they do not fit into the time limits of "normal" grieving. It is a very personal journey and we may never reach a destination; but I want to show you how the scenery changes as you travel.