Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Letters Continued...


Dear Mike,
I am not sure if I am dealing with your loss the way I should. I have come to Jesus and in this I find joy but there are times the pain tugs at my heart. I don't know if it is because I began mourning while you were sick; I mourned the loss of some aspects of our relationship before you ever left. SEE, right there, I said "before you left". Like you just left me and did not really die. Like you might come back... I think somehow I am waiting patiently for you to walk back into my life. I just miss you! I depended on you always being here and now you are not. Come Back to me, PLEASE! I lay down alone, the bed is big and cold, you are supposed to be holding me. Lay like we used to, my leg draped over you, my arm around you...I caressed your face to memorize it, I can still trace your cheekbones (I loved them) and your perfect lips. Your collarbone, your muscles, your chest...I just want to touch you once more. I will never forget how cold you were, but I could not stop touching you, and our final kiss I will never forget. I want one more kiss but then I would want another and another... Tomorrow is 3 months, too long to be apart from some one you spent every second with... I want to hold you, smell you, I can't...So I will just cry... 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Another Letter...

These are letters that I wrote to Mike in the months following his death (06/14/10)...


I was conflicted and confused. Hurt and scared. I was talking with a friend and telling her how I was struggling trying to understand your death.
She explained to me that she has been led to believe that God puts us all here for a divine purpose. When that purpose has been fulfilled, it is then that God calls us back home.
I could find some measure of comfort in that belief, because I know God put you in my life for a reason.
I became a woman through your gentle encouragement and guidance. You taught me I was worth something in this world. You made me feel beautiful and confident. You taught me to respect myself.
You helped me through the loss of my father, when I felt so lost.
You taught me to be selfless, which helped me when you got sick. I was consumed with you health and comfort. I was able to return the unconditional love you poured out so selflessly on me.
My life is so much more beautiful because it was blessed by your presence.
Through your death and the following pain I came to Christ, I could not handle it alone. Today I was baptized with my church by full submersion in a lake. I knew you and Daddy were with me, I could feel you.         
You both walk with me now as my angels. Your love will always be with me. I thanked God for both of you today. My life is better and I am a better person because of both of you.
I love you both and I miss you terribly...

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Grief support group

Sept. 2010~

Psalm 38:17 For I am about to fall and my pain is ever with me...

First day of my grief support group:

-Describe your pain:
My pain is real. I found the love of my lifetime in Mike. He had a beautiful soul. I miss him and I want him back! It hurts! I miss our talks, our walks, and even our quiet times when we were just being close.

-At what times does your pain feel the deepest? :
Late at night (bedtime) and first thing in the morning. I lay down in bed with Mike and held his hand which was very cold and I knew then we did not have much time. When I woke in the morning his breathing was shallow, he was gone a few minutes later. I sat with him and cried. I knew it was for the best. I had told him to let go but I lied, I did not want Mike to leave. I wanted him to stay and share his love, his company, his voice, his hands...I wanted TIME!!! I felt cheated!

-Who have you shared your emotions with? :
I have shared my emotions with close friends and counselors but I cannot tell each person all I feel, so they only get pieces of me. Only God Knows all that I keep secret and I whisper into the darkness at night when no one else is around.

I used the Grief Group for a short while but I was so young (36) and they were all so much older that I could not relate. I am not being mean in saying this, but they were going to be reunited with their loves soon...I have such a long time to wait until I can see him again...

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Letters cont.

These are letters that I wrote to Mike in the months following his death (06/14/10)...


Dear Mike,

I am sorry for my depression. I know these feelings would let you down and I don't want to hurt you. Our relationship was a blessing in my life. You grew me like a garden; you tended to me, pulled up the weeds, and made me beautiful. You were the gardener of my soul. I became a beautiful woman in your care. I came to you as a confused child and you changed me for the better. You knew my hurt and my pains; you saw my scars inside and out. None of that scared you away; you stayed with me through thick and thin.
Because of that, I was able to be there when you needed me the most. That was my blessing. To be able to care for you and support you in your time of pain and need. I held your hand and helped you through. You are the love of my life. We transcended all levels of love and intimacy I never knew existed. You always said God sent me to you, that I was your angel. Today I can believe that. I'm sad and angry but it comes and goes.
I really wanted to die without you, to be with you again. But I know you would want me to go on and I will try to fight the battle for you because I love you and I know you would want me to live.

Grief poem

God Saw You... 
by Author Unknown
God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not to be
so he put his arms around you
and whispered,
"Come to Me"

With tearful eyes we watched you
and saw you pass away
and although we love you dearly
we could not make you stay.

A Golden heart stopped beating
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best

~I am happy I was there that second you found peace. I didn't want you to go but I knew you couldn't stay. We were one, now you are gone, half of me is missing. I am so lonely without you, My love, and my friend.


These are letters that I wrote to Mike in the months following his death (06/14/10)...

Dear Mike,
Life is so hard without you. I talk to you every day, just as if you are here. I miss my best friend. I get down and I just wish you were here to hug me and make me feel that everything will be all right. When I wake up, I reach for you and you're not there, all I feel is emptiness. I'll spend the rest of my days in love with you. I miss you so much.
Love always and forever,
Your wife,

Personal Grief

These are letters that I wrote to Mike in the months following his death (06/14/10)...

Dear Mike,
I miss you every day. My heart is broken. I miss our long talks and our long walks. I miss your amazing blue eyes and how they looked at me full of love. I miss your hugs and your strong hands. You'll always be in my heart. I'm learning to live again, day by day. I wish you were by my side. Until we meet again my love for you will never end.
Love always and forever,
Your wife...

Dear Mike,
I miss my best friend. I thought of you yesterday, I'm thinking of you today, and I'll think of you tomorrow. I miss you...My love.